Reality, Dreams & Change.

I absolutely cannot be fucked working tonight!

Guess I’ll do some sort of an update or something.

I’ve passed all my units for university! And I’ve been accepted into my new course of psychology! So whilst that’s all exciting, it means I’m a stupid first year again, which sucks. 

Family life seems to be getting better. Although my parents keep bringing up how I’m a horrible teenager (and I still don’t know why or how) and not supplying me with any financial help with anything, mom’s finally stopped glaring at my like I’m not her child or anything. My brother is going through a really rough time though (so thoughts out to him, everyone!). We had a big D&M the other day.. To the point where he broke down in front of me. It’s the first time we’ve really spoken about life, and I’m so proud that he was able to do it. Hopefully it takes him one step further into having a life he genuinely enjoys.

Hoping to get a second job soon since I’ve been completely broke, so wish me luck for that as well! But other than that, it’s been relaxing, beach, gym and work! So I hope you guys are having a splendid life wherever you are right now, and if not, well.. I’m always here for a chat anyway!

Peace out
x 

So I haven’t been on Tumblr in ages. Simply because I don’t really have time anymore. But I’m the kind of girl who can’t talk to people when something happens. And I need a release. So here it goes.

Today, my mom called me her biggest disappointment.
Why? Because I don’t have a second job.
Never mind the fact I’m a full time uni student who has a very good job that pays 25 bucks an hour. What’s wrong with that? Because I work at night, meaning I “laze” around during the day. I don’t get it. And she laughed at my face when I started crying.

I think my parents forget that they have a kid with depression. That just over a year ago she had to drag me to the doctors to get help.

What’s worse? I love my mom, and my dad. So much. I would do anything for them. So I’m not even mad at them. I hate myself instead. 

I don’t drink, do drugs, smoke. I don’t muck around and do shit. I’m polite, I don’t like making trouble. But I’m still a disappointment. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do, or where to go. All I know is that everything I’ve done in my life, everything that I DO, which I thought was pretty good, is not good enough. So what’s the point? What’s the point in doing all this?!

Last night my dad and I got into a little tiff because he is insistent that I fuck around at parties and am this big alcoholic. His reason? “Then what else do you do at all these parties you go to?” What happened to the days where your parents tried to think well of their child. Even if they were some dirty, slutty ratbag who smokes dope more than they pee. Ignorance is bliss right? Find the good things in the kid, be blessed for that! Well it seems for me, it’s the total opposite. The total fucking opposite. 

You know what I think about the most? My death. How I could die, when it’s going to happen. Every time I get in the car, a part of me wishes that a drunken driver would run a red light and side swipe me. This is what goes through the head of a depressed kid. But why don’t I do anything? Why can’t I? Because I can’t hurt my mother, my father, my boyfriend like that. I couldn’t do it to them. So instead, I live like this so they don’t have to. They don’t understand. 

I’ve been told all my life that I’m a good person. People talk to me when they need someone to listen to them. I’ve always been reliable, responsible, smart. I was in the highest of academic classes, I played so much sport, and musical instruments. But no, I’m still a disappointment. You know this argument may be over, but I have to live with this. My whole life turned around, that I won’t be good enough. There’s no way in hell I’ll ever get an apology. Maybe I’ll get a “forget about it”, but not an apology. My mother meant that, my father lives by it. I’m not good enough for them.

It’s this stupid thing about getting a second job.
I’ve told them so many times to quit talking to me about it. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was once in a while, but it had come to the point where my parents would talk about nothing OTHER than it. They wouldn’t speak to me about anything else. What’s even more stupid is that I’ve told them I’ve asked about jobs at a few places, it’s not like I’m sitting here doing nothing. When I reminded mom about this and that I am waiting to hear back from my old job, she simply said “well, I’m old. I forget”. How the fuck does that make it all okay?! That they sit there, being horrible to me, while I do EXACTLY what they ask, just because they “forgot”? It’s stupid! 

So really, I don’t know what to do.
I can’t go to my boyfriend, cos I simply can’t speak out like this.
I feel very unwelcomed at home.
My entire life, which I thought had been a good one, has been thrown back in my face.
It’s hard accepting the fact that you’re a failure.

It’s even harder to live it.

Fuck life. If what I’m doing is by far wrong, then I don’t know how to do anything right. I’m out of this.